


The Things He Never Knew

by SinPark



Series: Multi-Fandom One-Shots [9]
Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety, But not by his parents, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluffy Ending, Happy Ending, Hurt/Comfort, Hwang Hyunjin-centric, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Minor Hwang Hyunjin/Seo Changbin, No attacks tho, Original Character(s), Other, Overworking, Platonic Kissing, panic disorder
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-04
Updated: 2019-03-04
Packaged: 2019-11-09 09:54:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,957
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17999597
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SinPark/pseuds/SinPark
Summary: When Changbin starts to disappear for a day or two at a time, Hyunjin worries, but continues to doubt himself until Woojin mentions he's noticed, too. He tries to catch Changbin during practice breaks, or when he comes home, but the man evades his questions with such perfected ease that Hyunjin determines to wait up for him and make Changbin explain.The answers Changbin gives, were far from anything Hyunjin thought he'd hear.





	The Things He Never Knew

**Author's Note:**

> *WARNING* I'm not going to spoil anything with these warnings, but I want to inform all readers that this fic discusses clinical anxiety and panic disorder. It is also mentioned that in the past, someone acted very creepy and even became violent. There's not much discription of that at all, and nothing graphic, but if it's not your thing, then it's not your thing.
> 
> Note that I didn't really edit this.
> 
> Please read at your own discretion, and enjoy the work!

A set of lips landed on the back of Hyunjin’s neck and stirred him from slumber. He leaned his head forward and to the side to allow more space for whoever stood behind him to work with.

 

His eyes squinted open, and he realized that he fell asleep on the couch. The sleepy fog cleared from Hyunjin’s mind as he remembered he’d tried to wait up for Chan and Changbin to come home.

 

“Hyung?” Too exhausted to raise the volume of his own voice, Hyunjin’s words came out as a whisper.

 

“I’m home,” Changbin said. “What are you doing in here?”

 

“Wanted to see you when you got back,” he muttered. Hyunjin sat up and pivoted to face the older boy. “You keep working late. It’s scaring me, hyung.”

 

Changbin’s features fell into an expression of remorse. His hand moved to cup Hyunjin’s cheek before he leaned down to kiss his forehead.

 

“I’m sorry,” Changbin said. “I don’t mean to make you worry.”

 

Hyunjin pouted. “You’re at the office more than Chan now. Even Woojin said something.”

 

Changbin ran his thumb across the younger’s cheek, shaking his head. “I’m okay. Promise.”

 

A lump started to form in Hyunjin’s throat. He pulled his head away from Changbin’s hand, eyes shut. The lie hurt more than he thought it would.

 

“No,” he said, though his tone shook. “You’re not, but you’re not telling anyone what’s wrong, either, and you’re hardly ever home. Hyung, you leave for a full day or two at a time. We never know if you sleep at all, or even eat, and don’t tell me you haven’t skipped a meal because I know you forget sometimes. It feels like you’re slipping away, turning into a ghost, and each day it’s harder to catch you. You seem less like yourself, like the hyung I love so much. You never sneak into my bed anymore or do stupid aegyo to the maknae line. I’m scared that soon you’ll be so hollowed out from working this hard that you’ll be gone and we’ll just get left with a shell of the Changbin we all used to know.”

 

Tears had begun to skip down his cheeks halfway through his monologue, but now Hyunjin broke down. His head rested in his hands as his breath hitched from crying.

 

Changbin rounded the couch to sit beside him and pulled the younger into his arms. Hyunjin held him with such a force he worried he may hurt the dark-haired boy.

 

“Hyunjin, hyung’s not going anywhere,” he swore. The sincerity in his voice did little to quell Hyunjin’s hiccups. “I didn’t realize everyone paid so much attention…and I’m sorry that I’ve upset you like this. Is…is everyone…concerned?”

 

“Yes,” he whispered.

 

He felt Changbin nod above him.

 

“I really didn’t know it bothered anyone.”

 

“Hyung, please tell me what’s going on.” Hyunjin glanced up to the elder and locked their gazes. He saw the regret whirlpool in Changbin’s eyes. “I don’t want you to hurt yourself like I did.”

 

He knew Changbin understood that. He’d been one of the most worried members when Hyunjin fainted pre-debut. Changbin looked down, and Hyunjin’s breaths returned to normal. Moments passed without a word.

 

“I…”

 

_He’s being so careful of what he says lately._

 

“I don’t want to sleep.” The phrase rolled off his tongue in a slow, calm melody, soft, but stiff.

 

“Why?”

 

Changbin became still as a stone; shoulders tense, gaze focused to a point on the floor.

 

“At night,” he began, “I think about things I don’t want to think about.”

 

Hyunjin tilted his head with furrowed brows. “What do you mean?”

 

Changbin’s tongue darted out to lick his lips.

 

“I…think. Mostly about things I know I shouldn’t, but I can’t make it stop, so I don’t try anymore. Instead, I compose or I write or I do anything that distracts my mind long enough until I’m too tired to think anymore.”

 

Hyunjin considered this. He didn’t have insomnia, but he saw it often in Chan, and he knew this wasn’t it.

 

“Let me see your notebook,” he said.

 

Changbin’s eyes flashed wide open. “What?”

 

“I want to look at your notebook.”

 

All the lyricists of the group carried around a small notebook to write down any ideas they might have when they’re not in the studio. Changbin used his the most. Jisung usually cheated, ignoring the little booklet in favor of his phone.

 

“I don’t want you to do that.” Changbin leaned back from Hyunjin, as if ready to dodge an attack.

 

“Then talk to me,” Hyunjin implored. “Tell me what is going on with you so I know you’re okay. We don’t have to tell a manager, or even any of the others, I just want some kind of reassurance!”

 

Changbin grimaced. “You won’t find anything about this is my notebook. Maybe something dark, or creepy, that was more inspired by what _causes_ the way I think, but not what I’m really thinking _about_.”

 

“Okay… So then, what’s wrong?”

 

The elder sighed. “I have panic disorder…and clinical anxiety.”

 

Hyunjin blinked.

 

_Nobody ever told me that._

 

“No one else knows,” Changbin added quickly, like he could sense Hyunjin’s confusion. “I haven’t even said anything to management. When they asked for my medical records, I kept the document from the psychologist.”

 

“Why would you do that?” Hyunjin kept his time curious. He didn’t want to sound judgmental at all.

 

“I thought they might not cast me if they thought I could fall apart the way that I do. No one wants to hire a headcase.”

 

Hyunjin nodded. He’d never thought of Changbin that way, but it made sense.

 

“How come you kept it a secret from us?”

 

“I don’t like how people usually respond when I tell them,” he answered. “They like to say that they’re sorry, and I appreciate that, but people tend to get clingier, or treat me more gently, and it honestly makes no difference how they treat me, because my anxiety has nothing to do with them, so it just makes me feel like they see me as weak, or fragile, and in the moment I can tell someone I’m like this, I couldn’t be further from it. I’m confident, and relaxed, so it just feels bad when they act different or coddle me.”

 

Hyunjin hummed.

 

_Who all has he told who reacted that way?_

 

Another question poked at Hyunjin’s mind.

 

“I don’t want this to seem like I’m interrogating you. I’m honestly just curious…”

 

“Ask whatever you want,” Changbin prompted.

 

“Since we debuted, what made you not want to inform the manager?”

 

Changbin shrugged. “I don’t want to complain. I see no reason to announce it or make a big deal. If it got bad to the point that I needed help, I’d ask for it, but as long as I can manage it on my own I’d rather not bring it up to anyone else or make it their issue.”

 

“You know no one would see it that way, though?”

 

Changbin nodded immediately. “Of course. It’s more that _I_ see it that way.”

 

“Oh. So…why are you gone so much?”

 

“I’m anxious at night. If I can’t stop the anxiety pretty soon after I realize it’s affecting me, I usually have an anxiety attack. Sometimes it happens very suddenly, in which case, it’s a panic attack. I go to the studio or the gym, that way I can be productive, but also distract from what I’m thinking about.”

 

“What do you think about that makes you anxious?”

 

Hyunjin wasn’t sure he was supposed to ask that question, but the words were already spoken.

 

“Um…Hyunjin, I really don’t think you want to hear this story.”

 

“I do,” he blurted. He calmed down before continuing. “I mean, I want to understand.”

 

Changbin nodded, lower lip between his teeth as he thought.

 

“My family…there’s more to it than just me, my parents and my sister. I had- I _have_ an older brother.”

 

Hyunjin’s brows knit together.

 

“He’s two years older than me. My mom had an affair, and that’s how he was born. The affair itself caused some problems in my parent’s marriage, but they worked it out and stayed together. I don’t remember how my brother found out, but after he did, he always resented my father; insisted he loved my sister and I more and that he treated us better. It wasn’t true, but he believed it.”

 

The gears in Hyunjin’s head turned as he processed everything. The amount he’d learned about Changbin in the past hour stunned him.

 

“He, um…he hated my family. I don’t know for sure, but I’ve always thought there was something wrong with him. Mentally, I mean. Maybe anger issues or narcissism, I’m not a doctor, I can’t tell, but he just didn’t react to things normally. Most things made him furious… He held a particular level of resentment for me…said that he should’ve been in my place? Like, my place as in people should’ve treated him the way they treated me, especially my parents.”

 

Changbin paused, playing with his fingernails for a moment.

 

“Go on,” Hyunjin encouraged.

 

The elder nodded. “Right. My brother _really_ hated me. It still amazes me just how much. When I was ten, and he was thirteen, he started…doing things. At first he’d just try to scare me in little ways like jump out at me from around a corner, or say little creepy things, but nothing really abnormal for an older brother to do. But, it escalated. He’d put notes in my backpack, or break my things. I didn’t think much of it at the time, and I probably wouldn’t have, except it kept getting worse. He’d kind of obsess over the idea that my dad favored me over him. He didn’t really care about my sister. He would kind of watch me any time I talked to my dad, or if my dad did something with me like take me to lunch, then my brother would ask me a dozen questions about it when I got home…”

 

“Mm-hmm.” Hyunjin listened on intently.

 

“He sometimes watched me sleep.”

 

Hyunjin’s eyes widened. Changbin’s tone suggested something sinister that left an unsettled feeling in the pit of his stomach.

 

“Okay…”

 

Changbin cleared his throat. “I remember the first time it happened. I thought it was just coincidence. I’d fallen asleep on the couch after school one afternoon and when I woke up, he was staring at me. I figured he’d heard me moving when I stretched and looked over, but now I know he was probably did it on purpose. He started doing it at night, too. I’d wake up and find him standing by my bed in the middle of the night. When my mom took on a job and quit being a full-time homemaker, things got worse. We would argue over minor things, but he’d turn it into a big deal and then he’d hit me, and I’d try to hit him back but I was a scrawny kid, you know? He worked out. I took more punches than I gave. And it’s normal for brothers to fight but…not the way we did. He sometimes hit me for no reason at all. I’d just be sitting somewhere and he’d come up and smack the crap out of me, then say something about how I didn’t deserve the affection I got from my parents.”

 

Hyunjin’s heart clenched in his chest. It ached. The more Changbin spoke, the worse he felt.

 

“Any time he beat me up badly, he’d come into my room after I’d gone to sleep and get in the bed with me. He never apologized, but he said he did it because he loved me, and he just wished we loved him, too. We did love him. I don’t know why he never saw it…”

 

Changbin stopped there, but Hyunjin sensed there was more to the story.

 

“What else did he do, hyung?”

 

The elder shook his head. “I told you, you don’t want to hear it.”

 

Brick walls seemed to build themselves around Changbin, but Hyunjin determined to jump over before they grew too tall.

 

“Please, hyung, you can trust me. I want to know.”

 

“I know I can trust you, I just…the next bit is embarrassing.”

 

“You know I’m the last person who would judge you. I mean, come on. I even let you kiss me,” he teased.

 

A grin forced its way onto Changbin’s face.

 

“Oh, fine, you onry thing. My brother…after he started sleeping in my bed sometimes, he started doing other things, too. Before I say any more, please just don’t interrupt me, or yell, or gasp or anything. It’s easier if I can do it all in one go.”

 

Hyunjin nodded.

 

“Okay. Those ‘other things’ included kissing my neck or shoulders on those nights he’d come in my room. When I tried to get him to stop, he’d hold me still, and tell me that if I yelled for Mom or Dad he would say he only came in to apologize, and that I was trying to get him in trouble. Once, he held my wrists really tight, and it hurt. When I tried to tell him to just loosen up a little, he bit my shoulder. He actually managed to pierce the skin and leave a small scar. He kissed me a lot. When we had to do the dishes together and everyone else left the room, he’d stand behind me and kiss my neck. If I tried to move, he held my waist.” Changbin shrugged.

 

“What got to me the most is when he told me how he’d hurt me if I told anyone. I became constantly paranoid that he’d think I told someone when I hadn’t, and come do any of the things he said he would. He told me he liked how afraid I looked, and how nice the bruises on my skin were to him. In my last year of middle school, he tried to choke me to death. I think he was on drugs. I remember him saying how much he wished I was never born, and that I deserved to feel his pain. My mom caught him, and my dad went ballistic when he found out. He beat the shit out of my brother, but said they’d sort it out more in the morning. He left that night and we haven’t seen him since.”

 

Hyunjin watched the boy before him take deep breaths with as little noise as he could. He wished he knew what to say. Nothing sounded right in his head.

 

“You don’t have to answer this, but did he ever do anything more than kiss you?”

 

“No. Never on the lips, either.”

 

“When you say you think about things you shouldn’t at night, you mean…?”

 

“It starts out with me feeling the same way he made me feel. Whenever I was at the house, I’d get anxious, like I was  being watched. I don’t know. It’s like…Like maybe I’ll open my eyes into a dream, and be back at my house, but he’ll be there, too. Or that I’ll look over to the door, and he’ll be standing there, just like he used to. It’s stupid. None of it’s real, and he’s never coming back. Logically, I know this, but anxiety isn’t logical. You can know something will never happen but the idea of it alone can send you spiraling. It’s irrational.”

 

Hyunjin hummed his understanding. His mind, plagued with fatigue, managed to comprehend it all, but his heart still needed a second to catch up. The man beside him held more mysteries than he ever would have imagined, yet it all fit together like perfect puzzle pieces. Everything made so much more sense after an hour of conversation.

 

“Why do you never come to us? You know we wouldn’t think less of you. Think of how well everyone reacted to me, Chan, and Jisung.”

 

Changbin bobbed his head. “I know they’d be fine with it. Another main reason I haven’t told anyone until now is that I don’t want them to constantly wonder if I’m doing things because of my anxiety, or because I just want to. I don’t like people knowing that I’m anxious, because then, they’ll ask what’s wrong and can they do anything and it’s annoying. My anxiety is easier to manage if I ignore it, so other people bringing it up just makes it worse. It’s easier for me to calm down when everyone treats it like nothing weird is happening.”

 

Hyunjin found himself able to relate. He’d had bad nights, and found the thing that comforted him most was the normality of their dorm.

 

“I get you,” he said. “It means a lot that you told me, hyung.”

 

A grin stretched out onto Changbin’s lips as he pulled the younger in for a hug.

 

“I’m really glad I can talk to you about these things…and I’ll try to come home more. I just…it’s hard, when I can’t sleep.”

 

“You’re always welcome to come hijack my bed,” Hyunjin promised. “Even if I do complain to Stay.”

 

Changbin chuckled. “Okay. It’s late. We should get at least a couple more hours of sleep.”

 

Hyunjin nodded and they stopped outside of Hyunjin’s room.

 

“I should probably change,” Changbin said quietly. “But…after, I could come back?”

 

Hyunjin smiled. “Yeah.”

 

Changbin turned and disappeared behind his bedroom door, and as Hyunjin watched him walk away, he felt his worries flood out of him. His hyung was okay, and he considered that Changbin may feel a little better after that night. Hyunjin certainly did.

**Author's Note:**

> I may or may not be projecting again, so this is a little self-indulgent, but I wanted to write the charaters as accurately as possible anyway. I also tried not to make them too lovey-dovey? Like they're obviously not boyfriends in this, but I did my best not to blur the line while still adding in affection and comfort.
> 
> Thank you bunches for reading! Comment and leave kudos, it'll increase my dwindling will to live.
> 
> That was a joke, but do it anyway.
> 
> Teehee, I'm done. Bye! ~Prince


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